Okay, you all have been bugging me about posting, so here’s number 3 for the day.

Actually, I just wanted to tell everyone about a Pod Cast I’m really enjoying. It’s at Ancient Faith Radio and the pod cast is by Fr. Huneycutt. You can find him here. Those of you who know me, know I like country western music. Well, Fr. Huneycutt actually sang a part of one of my favorite songs by Toby Keith, “I Wanna Talk About Me” in his post:

“Do You Have What It Takes?”

So, when you have a few minutes, stop by Ancient Faith Radio and listen.

I’ve reached 50.

You know, like George Carlin says about age “Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions. “How old are you?” “I’m four and a half!” You’re never thirty-six and a half. You’re four and a half, going on five! That’s the key. You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. “How old are you?” “I’m gonna be 16!” You could be 13, but hey, you’re gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!! But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There’s no fun now, you’re Just a sour-dumpling. What’s wrong? What’s changed? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you’re PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it’s all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone. But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn’t think you would! So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. You’ve built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it’s a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn’t end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; “I Was JUST 92.” Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. “I’m 100 and a half!”
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!”

It hardly seems possible that I am 50. I missed something. Whole decades have gone by–where did they go? I’ve been down this past week–age related? Perhaps. I’m not sure. It started last Sunday before we left for the conference. Mark said something after Divine Liturgy that ticked me off–I can’t even remember what it was. So, I have this niggling that something is bothering me and I don’t know exactly what. I don’t feel like a failure. I have fulfilled many of my dreams. I have a great paying job that I love. I have a loving husband and some great kids. I even got the birthday presents and cake I wanted (because I was very directive), so no disappointments there.

Weird. I’m not usually too emotional, but I’ve been very tearful lately. I know it’s not about Orthodoxy and the new Parish. I love being there. If I could get up a bit earlier, I’d go to Matins. I’m loving the choir and the Bible reading and the homily.

So, pray for me. I feel sort of off kilter. (It’s probably just menopause.) Ever notice how all of women’s problems start with men? Why do all the difficult things women go through have MEN in them? Men Words. … MENtal Illness. MENstrual Cramps. MENtal Breakdown. MENopause. Okay, now I’m feeling more like me….

Although, it does say the He must become more and I must become less….

Yes, I am the LAST of our foursome to post on our first Orthodox baptism, Chrismation and Pascha services. I too like Debbie lost track of how many hours we spent and the number of times I pushed Mark up those stairs. By the time Holy week was over, I was exhausted. I am not a very good “night” person.

The emphasis on Christ and the Cross was so real. Not that the past Easter services have been unreal but that I could actually image Christ there in that room and that He conquered death. I think the coolest part was when the entire room was dark and the candles started being lit from near the cross and spread through the entire room. I could see the “tomb” like room become full of Christ’s light. Very awesome.

Then, on Sunday afternoon, we went to the Pascha picnic. The members have been very nice but I’ve been worried about “fitting” in. Not really fitting in, but trying to make new friends at a new church. Our home church is so easy for me. People come and I don’t worry about my house or what we’re serving or that there are no snacks tonight. Oh, well. Yes, it’s been easy. But these new folks, this new place, they are “HOLY”. No, I know not perfect, but there’s such a feeling of holiness in the meeting room (I’m not even sure if it’s called the sanctuary). I feel far from Holy in that place. I feel like the Chief of sinners in that place.

So, a couple of the ladies come over and sit next to me and we start talking about kids. I tell them I have 3, one in jail and the other 2 in a shared custody arrangement with my second husband. Yes, I’ve just told them I’ve been married 3 times. I’m pretty open about my warts and zits. (Talk about being unholy and a sinner.) The ladies begin to share their lives. They’ve done the same things as me. They’ve lived the same crap.

Well, almost. My father and one of my 3 husbands was an addict and I hated them both for how it affected my life. And I wasn’t married when I had my first son (whose father was an alcoholic).

I share this not to make myself appear less sinful or more holy. I am chief of sinners. But these lovely, gracious, warm women have been through the same things as I have and have welcomed me into their fellowship. I am overwhelmed. And before you think, “well, yes maybe there, but once they have a chance to think about it…”, I’ve been invited to a women’s tea and planning meeting in 3 weeks. Yes, warts and all, I’ve been invited. Mind you, I’m not bragging. If I boast of anything, let it be of Christ. I just feel loved. Of course there are more warts that have yet to be revealed, but I’ve feel much more at ease disclosing the rest of them.

Thank you Lord for bringing us to this church. Show me how to love as these ladies do.

Goodbye for now…I was listening to Frederica today. Goodbye started as God be with ye. I think I’ll be using it more.

Yes, the Protestant Easter has passed yet we are still fasting. The Orthodox calendar and the western world calendar are not even close this year. Pascha (the Orthodox Easter Day) is not until April 27th. Not that I am doing the “whole” Orthodox fast. This Orthodoxy is something we are “trying on for size” so to speak. So, Mark and I have attended some services and have gone to an informational session and given up beef (not all meat and dairy like most Orthodox Christians have done). These services and the fasting are very different from the loud, blaring music of the Vineyard where hands were held high in worship and where we “gave up something” for Lent.

There is singing, but no instruments. The voices are beautiful though they sing unfamiliar tunes. As I stood there (most people stand through out the entire service), listening to the voices, I was amazed at how angelic they were. I closed my eyes and the sound was so beautiful, it brought tears to my eyes (as it is doing now).

Five years ago, we read a book at one of the week-day studies started by Mark and Jason at the Vineyard. It was “The Illumined Heart: The Ancient Christian Path of Transformation”, by Frederica Matthews-Green. Little did I know that this book would bring us to this place where we are now : exploring Orthodoxy.

Frederica is a wonderfully gifted and humorous writer. Today, I am reading another of her books “Facing East”. It’s wonderfully descriptive of the traditions and rituals of her small Orthodox Church led by her husband, previously an Episcopal Priest. I am enjoying her journey and her knowledge as she enlightens me as to why certain things are done the way they are.

When we left the Vineyard, I never expected to go back to church. I incorporated our small church (Community of Faith, San Dimas). The leaving from the Vineyard was so very painful that I never wanted to go through it again. Most of pain has gone and the anger subsided. What is left is an openness to what God has planned for us.

It’s funny–as I re-read the previous posts I’ve written at this time of year, they focus on me and my tax season, etc. That’s part of what’s so different at the Orthodox church–it’s not about me at all. It’s all about Christ.

Lord have mercy.

Barb